Look, I'm a wuss, and I run away from my feelings. Getting close to you scared me because I knew I fell hard for you so quickly, but we were just friends and I couldn't be with you, and I didn't want to give myself false hope since you were taken.

But damn, sometimes I could swear you must have felt something for me. The way you smiled at me, laughed with me. Told me your dark secrets. You seemed to cherish everything about our friendship. You let me in. And you're the type of person who doesn't let many people in.

I felt like I had my chance with you, but I didn't take it. That's where the wuss part comes in. I couldn't take the leap. I was too scared. Too scared to actually let someone in and see every little part of me. Afraid you'd think I wasn't worth it. Afraid I'd get my heart broken.

I curse myself for not going for it. I kept telling myself the perfect moment would come and I could tell you everything. But damn it, you're gone now and I'll probably never see you again, and those moments WERE there before. I was just too scared. I let them slip through my fingers.

I've written a thousand letters to you on this site since I met you a couple years ago. You awoke my heart from the slumber it was in and made me feel again. Thank you so much for that. I'll never be able to explain what that meant to me, and how much it changed my life for the better.

In the end, I guess you were just someone I could not get to. The one that got away. I used to dream about your smile, and the way you'd look at me. I used to swear that look must have meant something deeper, like you felt what I felt when we talked. I'll never know now.

If I never see you again...please know I am thankful you came into my life. And I'm glad you opened up to me. I'm just not glad about you being gone. I miss you, and wish my friend would come back.

i have a crackling fire of bright burning energy in me that's lighting me up and sending goosebumps all over me and i want to share that with you right in this moment. 

however i cannot. i don't think. socially i cannot? i feel wonderful and beautiful and almost uncomfortably happy and i've explained it to you before and you get it. you get it. and i want to tell you again about how this energy is flowing through my veins again and it goes so beyond anything else.


i just want to share this utter beauty with you. 

would that be weird?

The way you make me feel is almost exactly like eating 1001 pixie sticks.

My friend's little sister just started college this fall. I was at their house today and a handful of her friends were over including a guy in her class I had gotten to know over the past few months. He is genuinely kind, puts others first, and for an 18 years old really has his life together. I don't know him well, but I can tell he values the important things. Everytime I am over there so is he. Today, as my friend's little sister asked him to move his car while looking out the window, I saw it. The look of a guy who deserves it all but will never ask for more. She was wearing workout leggings, a baggy shirt, and smudgy mascara. As she gazed out the window at another guy, his eyes scanned up her body, starting at her barefeet. Not the hungry-eyed gaze, but the gaze of someone admiring a Degas or Renoir, considering the entire picture, while appreciating every brushstroke. It lasted less than five seconds, but the last three involved the adoration of her eyes. And that's when it hit me: love happens everyday, and perhaps most of the time, we never even notice. 

I'm not even in love with someone and that's it. it's horrible if you don't really know what this thing called "love" is and everyone secretely seems to desire. everywhere are these couples - giggling, talking, touching and loving each other in the tv, in the park, in the cinema, just everywhere. 

they say "love is all you need" or "you'll find the one", but is this the truth? what if i'll never find this special person? am i gonna die depressed, unhappy and unloved? 

no, i won't. i don't know what it really is. it's kinda transient, precious and so destructive, but there is no definition of love. your fluffy pet loves you, your weird but cool friends love and appreciate you, your overprotective parents and annoying siblings love you and maybe the shy cashier of the little supermarket, where you buy your favourite cookies and you don't even know it. don't ever dare to think that no one loves you, just because your crush doesn't. you're beautiful and appreciated.

just keep on living, having fun, hoping, dancing, reading these beautiful letters, getting drunk, remaining silent and screaming at the top of your lungs and being the person, who is loved and will truly love some day.

this isn't a letter to a crush. this is a letter to everyone, who has a crush and feels the same way as i do. 

- a


   The thing about never dating anyone is knowing love.

They all talk about their boyfriends and I sit and smile gently and listen and laugh and give advice.  Their hearts are wrapped into a relationship, and sitting from the outside I can see the flaws and I can see the need for the physical instead of true love.

I know love.  I know that most of the time love is self-sacrificing, laying down my need to speak to simply listen to someone else's problems or joys in life.

I know that often time love is asking someone else about their life, even though at first you don't want to hear about their's all you care about is yours. 

I know what is like to see someone that you love so much brush you off or be in love with someone.  I know what it is like to listen to their blushing stories and encourage them with nods.

But, I've also seen the outcome of all this stuff.  

I remember the night I was shaking in unspoken fear and trying to breathe.  I remember my text saying, "Please, I need to talk to someone."

He answered, "I'm here." 

I could breathe again.  I fell asleep thanking God for him.

I remember the night that I saw the high winds and storms and I didn't want to drive home.

"I don't want you driving home like that," she said. "C'mon, I'll take you home."

We got home, her car almost swerving off the road a few times.  She played ironic upbeat music and I tried breathe.

I thanked God for her.

I remember when my grandpa died.  I wished for him, but she showed and held me while I let out all my grief. 

I thanked God that someone cared.

So, maybe I've never been in a serious relationship.

But that doesn't mean I don't know what true love is.

I wanna hear how your sleepy voice sounds like over the phone.

I wanna know how it feels like when we hold hands.

I wanna be the cause of your smile.

I wanna feel your body warmth when we hug or cuddle.

I wanna listen to your low, sexy voice speaking closely to my ear.


But I can't do all of these wonderful things with you because you love someone else while my love for you will forever be unrequited.

People are not pandora box. Or Maze. If they interested in you, they will do something. And if they don't, probably they have something in their mind. Or maybe they're not ready. Or maybe they have someone else. Or maybe they just don't interested in you. Or maybe because they have no idea that you exist in their life.
People are not pandora box but they will if you let the idea get a hold on your head.

It's been more than 3 years since I last visited this site.

She became more than just a crush.

She became my life.

she wore her glasses today and she looked so beautiful, i can't explain it. she just has these really thoughtful looking eyes... and the most wonderful smile.