Letting go of your pride and accepting that even the person you love the most sometimes has the ability to hurt you is some of the most difficult things to do in life. 

Sometimes I think I'll never fall in mutual love. It'll always be one way or the other.

But, you know, I'm just going to keep living my life and being myself and if it's meant to happen it'll happen. I'll be in line behind him in the library or he'll hold open a door for me or we'll bump into each other at the grocery store. And it'll happen. And we'll be happy.

But I'll be happy until then too.

Don't dress up for boys. There's literally no point.

You could be wearing the most beautiful dress you have, makeup and all, and some still wouldn't notice.

Boys have their own schedule, their own preferences. If they're meant to be, they'll notice you at any random moment.

I learned all this early this year. I thought that no boy would ever like me if they can't even notice me at my best.

But here I was, no makeup, hoodie, and jeans. I met my crush that night. He asked for my number an hour later.


What is love?

I wonder how love can drive a person mad, what is love really?

Is it the drive of desire or maybe wanting something you know you can never have, what is love really.

I've study up on it so many times but it only confuses me further, I , what so ever have no desire for such but I have this prickling in my heart, is it because I know that I such as myself can never experience something such as that. I know that in my heart that I will never find something such as love because I have locked my heart away so deep that no one will ever make me feel excited or shy, but I wonder will it change?

What I truly think is that humans just get together with someone to pass the time and when they are done they breakup, then again why do people get married when they know that maybe this thing call love doesn't last forever. Humans fascinate me to a degree, that sometimes I myself am lost with there lives and how they thrive and survive. I've read that love can only excise between opposite sex, but that's wrong, I've seen women & woman together and men & men, so this meaning is false, if love can truly conquer all things than this is truly it, to overcome that love doesn't only have to excise between opposite sex. Love can truly conquer all things, love can also mend and bend you. Love can break you so easily too, but by breaking us it is only making us stronger for the future. As for me I don't know how that truly feels but I am rather excited to find out one day and when I do, I think I'll understand it better I hope.

--- The Mask

I created this vision of her in my head, this beautiful artist girl with the soul of someone a thousand years older than her, with a passion that matched the color of her hair, with amber eyes and freckles, intelligence beyond compare, a voice that sounds like folding silk. 

But she's not. I need to accept that. I need to accept that no matter how much I idealize her and assume the best in her, she is a flawed human being and, yes, sometimes she goes on her phone in the middle of class, fails a math test or two, rolls her eyes, I don't know. As highly as I see her, I need to embrace the fact that she is, as everyone else on this entire planet is, gloriously imperfect.

I think either you connect right at first and have everything to talk about but then it wears off when you get to know each other...or you slowly build up the connection over time as you get to know each other. I'm hoping you're the second one.

i miss falling without fear. i miss running to run, i miss closing my eyes and thinking of somebody as i fall asleep. i miss the idea of love, i miss crying and listening to music because the feelings are just too overwhelming. i miss feeling beautiful because i had beautiful thoughts. i miss sleep. i miss happiness, i miss talking until 3 in the morning, i miss undiscovered books and movies and music, i miss being 16, i miss mistaking crushes for love. i miss being naive. i miss blue eyes and white smiles. i miss chlorine. i miss music, i miss my friends, i miss my headphones and i miss the feeling you get after reading all the harry potters for the first time. i miss surprise and suspense, joy and liveliness. i miss you. 

but i miss me, too.

i don't think i'll ever know just how you feel, behind those beautifully gentle brown eyes;

or see through them just as you see, this tender and starry night sky.

i'm sure i won't ever fully understand, and that's not what i'm here to imply

but im in love with getting to know you, 


and i'll spend my whole life to try.

I get physically ill when I think about you, you know. That's the truth, too. I get nauseous at the thought of you. And no I'm not just saying that to exaggerate my feelings, that is the absolute truth. And that was the first sign that whatever feelings I had towards you, whatever they were, they weren't good ones. I can see someone driving your same car on the road and it will destroy me when I look to see if it's you, because it never is. Love isn't always good, you know. Love can be extraordinary and wonderful, but that seems to be the contrary for the love I have for you. Love shouldn't make me feel this way. Of course, this isn't only love I'm feeling. I'm caught in a mess of desperation and lost hope. Dreams that I once had that I now know will never come true. That adds to the nausea, I'm sure. As well as the feeling of regret and betrayal. You lied to me. You lied to me about loving me and that was the worst thing you could have ever done. And you did it with no explanation. Assumptions add to this feeling, too. Because they're all I have left if you give no meaning to your actions. Expectations that you might wake me up at 3am with a text showing nothing but three bikini emoji's (because that was our text code for 'call asap') and when I call you answer and you say "come outside" so I do. And you're out there waiting for me in your car, crying of course. Begging for my forgiveness. The worst part of all of this, the part that makes me feel the sickness the most, is that I wouldn't even let you finish your sentence before I forgave you.

I guess that's what my love for you is. Disgusting and toxic, but everlasting.

- cal

I could handle you not liking me if you just stuck around.


Please don't stop being my friend. I don't want to ever stop getting to know you.